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Slowly wishing he could just end it all. Wake up! He almost falls when he first stands. He didn’t remember telling his muscles to stand upwards. Creaking floors as he walks. Bones in his body clashing as the movement continues toward the bathroom. He never liked showers. Not that he didn’t like being clean or have good hygiene. Imagine the sound of artillery shooting its massive round. It landing 20 feet away. Just the sound though. Not the power of the force knocking him out cold or ripping his body to shreds. It was always like this. Sounds amplified in the early morning. Not until he starts walking to school did sound go normal, but he would still have the constant chatter in his head. That never leaves. Only during sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Wake up! It was like thousand rounds going off one after the other. Boom. Bang. Noise. He washes his entire body. He likes being clean. One of the things he can control. One of them at least. Not the chatter though. Never the chatter. Constant.. Surely he could believe that was possible. I had stopped taking hormone replacement therapy after the health scares. Perhaps I could blame it on that.I told Ginny about my confrontation with Howard. She scolded me for being so careless. She knew of my desire to take a lover. She does not approve. She warned me that Howard would never accept it. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect.Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions.
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